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Gone Fishing

Life on and off the waters of the Wood River Valley

Top 10 White Elephant Holiday Gifts

Dec 5, 2012 - 10:00 AM
Top 10 White Elephant Holiday Gifts

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Homer Simpson

Well Ho, Ho, Ho what do you know? ‘Tis the holiday season once again. That wondrous time of the year when we happily swill eggnog (so long as it’s spiked) and celebrate the birth of baby Jesus (or Hanukkah, Kwanzaa) by giving our friends and relatives gifts they may neither want, need, nor know how to legally get rid of.

Such gifts are known as “White Elephants.” To help you avoid giving any, or to give you some good ideas for a White Elephant party, here are the Top 10 White Elephant gifts for 2011/12.

 

10. Chia Pets, Chia Professor, Chia Scooby Doo, Chia SpongeBob, Chia President Barack Obama or any of the other two million products they make: In their defense, unlike real pets, Chia Pets never poop on the rug—and they do make a Chia Homer Simpson.A hoodie like this indicates Jeff has two problems: alcohol and fashion sense.

9. A Beer Holding Hoodie: Yes, they now make a hoodie that dispenses beer, cocktails, wine spritzers, etc. While some may argue this is American engineering at its finest, others may argue that both Camelbaks and the Santa Drinking Hat are much more impressive engineering marvels and that hoodies should be used to hold salty snacks like Beer Nuts.

8. Nothing: It’s an empty ball made by some people in England who’ve obviously spent too much time in the pub. At best, such a gift could be given as some kind of political statement, but those are best left for other holidays like Independence, Presidents’ or Valentine’s Days.The king of ugly sweaters himself, Mr. Bill Cosby.

7. Smoking Mittens: Because that’s what fingerless gloves are for. Unless, of course, it’s because you want to hear the recipient recite that famous line from the film Johnny Dangerously: “I've been thinking of taking up smoking, and this clinches it.”

6. Ugly Sweaters: The world is plagued by ugly sweaters. Don’t be a part of the problem, be a part of the solution.

5. iCarta (it’s an Ipod playing toilet paper dispenser): Because this is really the type of gift you should give to yourself—and throw in some Glade while you’re at it.

4. A Nose Shower Gel and Shampoo Dispenser: There’s only one nose that should be shooting “Farmer’s Blows” in the shower and that’s yours.

Can't wait to hear the Christmas version of "White Wedding."3. Christmas Musical Albums by odd people: Everyone from the Chipmunks to James Brown and Billy Idol has put out a Christmas album or two. The general rule here is that if it hasn’t been done by a classic crooner like Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole or Celine Dion don’t go there. You’ll only encourage people like Hansen, Rosie O’Donnell and Regis Philbin to keep making them.

2. Gag Lottery Tickets: Giving someone fake scratch lottery tickets that lets the recipients believe—at least for a few moments—that they’ve just won thousands and thousands of dollars is just wrong, plain and simple, and there’s a special place in Hell for people who pass these out. Although there’s a special place on YouTube for those who record such acts.

Yummy candy droppings?1. A Peeing Santa Drink Dispenser or Pooping Polar Bear Candy Dispenser: These are the types of gifts that cause kids to seek counseling when they’re adults … these things and those lines from “Santa Claus is Coming to Town:”

“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake!”

Happy holidays and please be careful. Some big, bearded guy who looks like a biker dressed in drag will be watching you!

*This blog was originally published in December 2011.

Sun Valley Magazine encourages its readers to post thoughtful and respectful comments on all of our online stories. Your comments may be edited for length and language.

Old to new | New to old
Dec 9, 2011 06:41 am
 Posted by  Anonymous

Ha ha. I see an ugly sweater party in my future

Dec 9, 2011 02:22 pm
 Posted by  Anonymous

I'd rather hear Billy Idol sing carols than the Chipmunks.

Dec 12, 2011 10:38 am
 Posted by  Anonymous

Definitely agree on listening to anyone but the Chipmunks, and several people have asked if the Billy Idol album is real. It is.
Ugly sweater parties are fun, as are White Elephants, so long as you don't drink too much spiked eggnog.
And to answer the numerous questions: Yes, I'd happily wear a beer hoodie!
Thanks for reading and for all the fun feedback--Mike

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About This Blog

Whether he’s being out-fished by his trash talking mother-in-law, guiding one of his young sons through the perils of manhood or finding inspiration from the people of the Wood River Valley, Mike McKenna’s award-winning writing is always sure to entertain. Pick up a copy of Mike's highly-acclaimed new book, Angling Around Sun Valley: A year-round fly fishing guide to South Central Idaho, at Silver Creek Outfitters.

Gone Fishing's awards include: Best Blog 2010 & 2011-Idaho Press Club and Best Fishing & Best Humor Blogs 2011-Outdoor Writers Association of America.

           

 

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